TODAY’S HUMOUR

One temperance Sunday the minister preached passionately against the dangers of alcohol.

He declared,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it into the river!"
The congregation replied, "AMEN!"

He continued,
"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it into the river!"
"AMEN!"

Growing more enthusiastic, he said,
"If I had all the whisky and spirits in the world, I'd throw them into the river!"
"AMEN!"

The sermon ended, and the minister sat down.

The song leader stood and announced,
"Our closing hymn is 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"

The congregation was suddenly very quiet.

My mother was a radiologist, and she met my father when he had an X-Ray. 
She must have seen something in him.

SOME ONE LINERS

• The Calendar Factory: I got fired from my job there yesterday.
  All I did was take a day off.

• The Fake Spaghetti: What do you call a counterfeit pasta dish?
  An impasta!

• The Golfing Wardrobe: Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of trousers?
  Just in case they get a hole-in-one.

• The Novel on Glue: Have you read it yet?
  It is impossible to put down

• The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally handed her a glue stick.
  She hasn’t spoken to me since.