Regret

What does the word ‘regret’ mean?  The dictionary description is: “feel or express sorrow or repentance or distress over….” an action done, not done, words said/unsaid…etc. Regret can be a healthy sign; we have feelings, a conscience, an ability to reconsider our words and actions…

However, regret can be a sharp ‘heart’ pain causing us to sink into a dark place…”Why, why did I do/say that?”

King David was so besotted when he saw the naked Bathsheba bathing on her rooftop that he was enticed into committing adultery with her and when she found she was pregnant…with her husband far away fighting in King David’s army, David issued a command that he be killed ‘in battle’, and then he married Bathsheba. Can you imagine his regret, his self-loathing?

I wonder if Hitler ever had regrets... or did he like others, and even ourselves, find ways to ‘drown our consciences’ or justify our actions like a phrase I heard, “the devil made me do it?”   

Regret is a painful emotion. We all have regrets. Regret over wrong decisions, regret over hurtful words spoken in anger, regret over actions that were not good or kind. We all have regrets, with the exception of psychopaths, a condition where this essential ‘commodity’ is lacking. However, what would you and I be like if our conscience was not alive and well, causing us to regret and hopefully put right the wrongs we have done, if that was possible, or to be so deeply remorseful that we avoid that pitfall in the future. Learning something from our mistakes.

So, do we wallow in our regrets for the rest of our lives? Beating ourselves up constantly or do we learn from our mistakes?  Do we fall into the same ‘manhole’ every day, or do we take another route?

Can I suggest a few positive actions in dealing with guilt and Regret?                                             

Firstly, we need to stop “self-justifying” or blaming others and circumstances. We have been given the freedom of choice but also the responsibility of our actions. No person can be blamed for the wrong actions we do, yes, the role of others can be acknowledged, but our actions are our responsibility.

Secondly, we need to stop beating ourselves up, “all have sinned and fall short...” The problem lies in our not learning from our mistakes, repeating them again and again. It lies in our self-deception, in our laziness – we do not take time to face our ‘demons’ and deal with them. No human being is without these challenges, they just take different forms. Some are blatant, glaring, others are hidden but equally damaging.

Someone said, “Confession is good for the soul”, and this is true, however, we need to start by breaking through the self-deception and acknowledging our wrong doings to ourselves. This is the most important step. Then to compassionately ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this?”  I firmly believe that each ‘misbehaviour’ has a root cause, and we need to have the courage to uncover that root, and, to ‘root it out’. Each successful ‘self-therapy’ will lighten our load and make us better people. There are times, however, that we might need the help of someone else on this journey and may we be guided to the right person. Regret is a necessary emotion, and it is painful, but it can lead us into peace and a better way of being. In the Lord’s prayer we ask “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who hae sinned against us”

Living Positively

(Meditate on these and, if appropriate, incorporate them into your daily living)

• Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
  “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

• Be realistic about life’s ups and downs but choose to focus on the positive aspects of your life.

• Be positive and stimulating in your conversation with every person you meet.

• Choose to see the good in all people, without being blind to their faults. Help them to know that they have worth.

• Train yourself to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.  “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”

• “Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.   Thessalonians 5:16-18

• Aim for excellence; think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

• Be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

• Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements of the future. “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead..” Philippians 3:13

• Infect others with joy; give every living creature you meet a smile.
  “…the joy of the Lord is your strength”    Nehemiah 8:10

• Concentrate on the improvement of yourself so that you have no time to criticize others.

• To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

(Christian D. Larsen, adapted by Marge Stathakis)

Positively Conquering Negatives

Lord, don’t ever let me be too busy to LOVE…

My child comes running in for praise because he’s just learnt to stand on his head. 

Yes, I’m trying to meet a deadline, but don’t let me chase him away.

Don’t let me be too busy to love, Lord..

A neighbour who has just had a fight with her husband and needs a shoulder to cry on. 

I have visitors coming and I’m running late, but don’t let me be too busy to listen and, in this way, to love.

Lord, don’t let me be too busy to love…

My son who has come home from Varsity unexpectedly with a friend, who has nowhere to go – both starving! 

Don’t let me be too busy to show him how thrilled I am he’s home, and that he knows he has the freedom to bring a friend.

Don’t let me be too busy to love, Lord…

When my spouse is tired or discouraged, or excited about something that happened during the day, or simply wants my attention. 

Don’t let me be too pre-occupied with my own work frustrations, peaks and valleys, to be attentive. Don’t let me be too busy to love and listen.

And now, Lord, thank you for giving me so many people, so many opportunities to love. But please forgive me when I fail them; help them to forgive me, and me to forgive myself. You made me human and there is only so much of me to go around.

Making Friends With Our Feelings

Our feelings take us on various journeys….from ecstasy to agony, and everything in-between!!

Sometimes we wish we didn’t have feelings but what would that be like in reality?

“You have won a million dollars”, your response “OK”.

“The love of your life has died”, your response “OK”.

There is a deadness about that. Emotions give us life, in Greek ζωή (life, living, being, spirit).

But feelings can either be our friend, supporter, enhancer or our tormentor and our downfall.

Some feelings are our own, others vicariously experienced. Just watch a few movies, with this in mind, and see what I mean.

So, join with me in this section as we look at our feelings and perhaps make friends with them. Let us allow them to assist us to find greater inner peace, joy and truly experiencing life.

Identifying our feelings:

How are you feeling? Be as honest as you can and take your time to identify what your real emotions are. In a sense you are giving your feelings the dignity of being recognized. We need to often pause and ask ourselves, “How do I really feel about this?” Not what should I be feeling, but what do I really feel. Feelings are natural and neutral, however, what we do with them can either be positive or negative.

Identify them, and perhaps even have a dialogue with them, like the Psalmist when he said; “Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Ps 42:5)