Coping Well With Conflict

CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP.

We have different personalities, needs that may clash, issues that are sensitive etc. It is often felt that conflict is a destructive element in a relationship. In some cases, it is, but when it is handled constructively it leads to growth and greater fulfilment in the relationship.

SUGGESTIONS FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT

1. Do not withdraw unless you need ‘time out’ to gather your thoughts. Explain that you need to have some space and will re-engage. Note that this is not avoidance behaviour.

2. Identify issues. “What are we fighting about?” If there are more than one, deal with them one at a time.

3. Don’t ‘bottle-up’ emotions. Feelings need to be expressed. Try to share them as they arise but keep them neutral eg “I am feeling very frustrated at the moment”, rather than “You are making me very frustrated.”

4. Stay on the subject don’t bring in other issues. Don’t raise old arguments. Attack the problem not each other. Don’t focus solely on the negatives.

5. Be determined to approach the discussion with a clear desire to find a    solution despite the negative emotions that you may be experiencing.

6. To be constructive we must refrain from focussing solely on the negatives.

7. Avoid name calling or categorizing e.g. ‘you have always been a liar’

8. Back up what you are saying with fact. Don’t be vague.

9. Discuss all possible solutions, looking at the pro’s and con’s together and choose one solution to try.

   APPLY FORGIVENESS. “To err is human, to forgive, Divine”.

Stepmother

This poem was written by the eldest of three sisters and read it was read at their

stepmother’s 75 th birthday. The three girls were 3,7 and 12 when their father remarried.

Their future stepmother was only nineteen years old at the time.

Perhaps a poem of encouragement to stepmothers?

Three little girls without a mother

All taking care of one another;

Along came Father, totally smitten;

Says “This is Shirley, my new sex kitten.”

A wicked stepmother? No! we cried

But Dad was determined to make her his bride.

What lay ahead for us? Who could tell?

Like Hansel and Gretel, our lives would be hell!

But Oh! Our dear friends, how wrong we were.

Our lives were far richer for having her.

Loving and caring, she feathered our nest

So today we can say “Thanks Ma, you’re the best.”

(Given to me by a friend, now deceased. Author unknown)

Does Evil Exist?

Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything? The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colours and study the various wavelengths of each colour. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name — Albert Einstein.

2 Jokes…

I hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, and 5 were done.
 Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

My grandad always said “as one door closes, another one opens.” Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Making Friends With Our Feelings

Our feelings take us on various journeys….from ecstasy to agony, and everything in-between!!

Sometimes we wish we didn’t have feelings but what would that be like in reality?

“You have won a million dollars”, your response “OK”.

“The love of your life has died”, your response “OK”.

There is a deadness about that. Emotions give us life, in Greek ζωή (life, living, being, spirit).

But feelings can either be our friend, supporter, enhancer or our tormentor and our downfall.

Some feelings are our own, others vicariously experienced. Just watch a few movies, with this in mind, and see what I mean.

So, join with me in this section as we look at our feelings and perhaps make friends with them. Let us allow them to assist us to find greater inner peace, joy and truly experiencing life.

Identifying our feelings:

How are you feeling? Be as honest as you can and take your time to identify what your real emotions are. In a sense you are giving your feelings the dignity of being recognized. We need to often pause and ask ourselves, “How do I really feel about this?” Not what should I be feeling, but what do I really feel. Feelings are natural and neutral, however, what we do with them can either be positive or negative.

Identify them, and perhaps even have a dialogue with them, like the Psalmist when he said; “Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Ps 42:5)

A WAR-TIME MIRACLE

“Did miracles still occur after Jesus ascended to heaven? Yes, I think so. My Dad was a living example that I was able to witness daily for the for 11years of my life. He was seriously wounded during the First World War. Machine gun bullets had penetrated both legs and one went right through a knee joint. During the 26 hours before he was taken to a field hospital outside Verdun, France, he made a vow with the Lord that he would become a missionary if he could ever walk again. He was due for a double amputation. When his time came in the open-air theatre the doctor said he was tired and went to have a cup of tea. On his return he skipped my Dad and carried on with his amputations. When an orderly reminded him that he had missed one patient, he replied that he would take a chance with him. My Dad recovered wonderfully and later walked up and down many mountains in Zululand as a missionary, without a limp and any physical support.”

Irmgard Mitchell (Sunshine Coast, Australia)

I See You

The movie Avatar was captivating on so many levels but something that stayed with me was the phrase “I see you”.

I have noticed something significant in this regard in recent years; people do not seem to want connection. Let me give an example; when I was travelling on public transport e.g. busses or trains, people did not interact. It was as if each was in their own world and did not welcome any connection at all. It was as if all others were invisible.

I also feel invisible because of my own reticence. I am not a forthright person. I was trained to be a listener and although I am not unfamiliar with public speaking, I do not feel comfortable to be centre stage, even in small gatherings.

However, there have been the rare and wonderful people who have crossed my path and they have given me a gift of … “I see you”

Richard Rohr in his book “Things Hidden” speaks about the many insecure people today who have no real, solid self-concept and they will take on any external persona. This is very evident in people mimicking the characters in movies etc. He speaks of it as a type of “possession”. They are not themselves. This can range from the manner of speaking to a more serious ‘take over’ of the whole personality. He says, “But one way to think of ‘being possessed’ is when there is an unhealthy other who is defining you and defining you poorly”. (1)

The role of trauma is also significant. The abused can become the abuser. The dramatic story of Jesus healing the madman of Gadara is an interesting case in point. (2) He was in chains because he had become too dangerous. Tormented! Jesus asked one question “What is your name?” A key to his madness was the name he had given himself “Legion”. The classical interpretation was that he was possessed by many demons. This was a way of explaining it in ancient times. But the fact that Jesus pinpointed this “name” is significant. He saw where this man’s agony originated. Let me unpack this a little further; at that time, the Roman Legions terrorized that whole area. Perhaps as a child he witnessed immense brutality and had no way to disassemble it…. it possessed him. He became “it”. Jesus “saw” him, saw his agony, saw his struggle, and the man returned to his right mind.

I’m sure that you and I, and all people, long for the gift of someone “seeing” us. And may we have the grace to “see” others.

(1) “Things Hidden” by Richard Rohr. Published by Franciscan Media Cincinnati wwwFranciscanMedia.org. pg 99-61

(2) “Disciple’s Study Bible” New International version. Luke 5:1-5

The Proposal Gone Wrong

George had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting his response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed George. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," George groaned. "I said, 'My darling, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

The Value of Keeping a Personal Journal

1.       THE VALUE OF KEEPING A PERSONAL JOURNAL.

*A safe place to ‘unpack’ our thoughts and emotions. I find that I start by just pouring out the details and impact of the previous day, or week. As I write and name the events and emotions somehow a clarity emerges and I can then, prayerfully, consider how to respond- inwardly and outwardly in my words and actions.

This is also very useful when major decisions must be made- you constructively record and reflect on all the relevant factors.

*It is a precious record of those ‘numinous’ moments. The deep revelations when you ‘hear’ God speaking to you through something in the Bible, an inspirational message, a movie/book/talk that went deep into your psyche.

*It is a record of significant events your own life and in the lives of your loved ones. Also a journey through the hurts that are part and parcel of being in relationships.

*Some years ago I went on a Dream workshop and learned the value of recording and meditating on significant dreams. My journal is a place for that journey.

Journaling sensitizes us to the hurts of others. As we contemplate what others are struggling with, even if they have hurt us, we see that we all are imperfect and each struggling with their own ‘demons’. I read a lovely illustration on empathy. A mother asked her 10 year old son “What is empathy?” He relpied “Empathy is your pain in my heart”

These are a few personal benefits, there are many more however, ‘the proof of the pudding is in the eating”.  Have delight in your own journey.

a.       HOW TO JOURNAL:

1.       Buy a good solid cover book. ( I have been journaling for approximately 45 years. My journals are stored in boxes and if I didn’t choose hard-covered books they would not have survived 😊)

2.       Choose a time that is suitable for you. It is important to journal regularly but do not turn it into a boring ‘diary-like’ chore.

3.       Record important events in your life or in the lives of significant others, including what that event meant to you.

4.       Record your feelings and questions. They may change but they are also important indicators of what is happening in your life. The Psalm writer said, ”Wy are you downcast O my soul?”

5.       Be creative use words, pictures, poems, quotes, drawings, etc. It is your space, there are no rules about your use of the journal- except do not use it as a weapon to hurt others if they happen to read it.

6.       Keep your journal private- it needs to be a ‘safe’ place for you to be totally honest. I read a quote. ”If I die before I wake, throw my journal in the lake” . I have not yet decided what my instructions will be.

7.       Aim to be positive- acknowledge the painful negatives but don’t wallow in them. Look for understanding, insight, ask God to help you to deal with it positively.

A journal is like communicating with your inner self in total freedom and it is often the place where God speaks to us. Whether it is through reflection on a sermon we have heard, an inspirational book that we have read, or some verse or passage from your daily bible reading, or an answer deep inside where we know that God has heard and spoken.